“Exams Are Online Anyway” Says Student Who Will Definitely Fail

Jack Enticott


As week three of the trimester comes to a close, most Deakin University students are working hard to stay up to date with their readings, lectures and seminars. In fact, many conscientious students are utilising their new-found free time to lift their WAM.


But Connor Owens, a third-year law student, has made no such effort.


“My exams are all online so there’s no point studying. We’ve literally got 48 hours to work on a single problem question, so I’ll just start studying when the exam opens. I may as well be on holiday.”


Bonnie Smith, one of Connor’s closest friends, indicated that Connor also opted not to purchase any of the prescribed textbooks.


“He doesn’t think he’ll need textbooks because he is convinced he can learn the entire unit during the exam period. He hasn’t watched a lecture yet. I don’t think he even knows we have a 2,500 word assignment due on Monday.”


Connor’s Mother, Terri Owens, complained to our reporters that Connor has spent the vast majority of his time in quarantine reading up on conspiracy theories regarding the Clinton family. He is also reportedly putting a lot of time into his TikTok career.


“He has no job, no responsibilities and all the time in the world, yet he still doesn’t seem to be able to do any actual work. I don’t know how he’ll cope when he gets out into the real world.”


While Connor’s relaxed and careless lifestyle may seem glamorous, there is an underlying problem with his strategy; he will almost certainly fail all his units.


Nonetheless, Connor appears unfazed.


“Even if I did fail, I wouldn’t have to pay the fees because of covid. Plus, I reckon I would ace Corporate Law if I had to redo it.”


More on this story as it unfolds.


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